What I Learned From My 16-Year-Old

By Ann Ericson

We had an interesting conversation at the family dinner table recently. I was giving a short lecture on the Developmental Designs approach to empowering language and the use of directing language. I cited the merits of being direct with students and using clear, concise, non-negotiating language.

Even though we weren’t talking about soccer, Peder, my 16-year-old son, was actively engaged in the conversation. 

He jumped in with, “But Mom, you never do that at home.”

It made me stop and think about exactly how I use directing language both at home and school.

Peder pointed out that I frequently say things like, “It would be really nice if you went to your sister’s band concert tonight,” or “I would really like it if you mowed the lawn.”

In my eyes I was using polite, respectful language, but in his eyes, I was using manipulative language. He pointed out, “We both know you want me to go to the band concert, so why don’t you just tell me to go instead of giving me the option of being nice or not. If you want me to mow the lawn, just tell me and I’ll do it.”

Good points. If I truly want him to do something, I need to clearly and directly tell him rather than trying to manipulate him into doing something to be nice to me or because I would like it.

The lesson Peder taught me made me think about times when I use manipulating language in my classroom and how I can tweak that language to be more direct.

When I expect students to do something, I need to tell them in straightforward, non-negotiable language.

Direct language doesn’t mean being rude. “Manny, please join us at the demo table” is both polite and direct. The direction doesn’t ask Manny whether he wants to join us, since not joining us is not an option. 

Adolescents want to know what is expected of them rather than wonder if the teacher (or parent) is giving them a choice. It’s easy for me to slip into manipulative language that leaves my children or students confused about what they should do.

It takes practice, but I’m getting better at being clear and direct—just ask Peder when he finishes mowing the lawn!

Does this classroom language sound familiar?

Join the conversation—
click Comments below.

About Ann Larson Ericson 

For more than nine years, I've been using the Developmental Designs approach in my school. I am currently the 7–12 Instructional Coach at Community of Peace Academy, a public charter school on the east side of St. Paul, Minnesota.  Before starting my new position, I taught high school chemistry and physical science at Community of Peace Academy. Since 2011 I've spent my summers as a Developmental Designs facilitator of professional development. Previously, I've taught science at urban and suburban schools, served as a director of gifted and talented education in a rural Wisconsin school district, and taught English in Shanghai, China. I hold a Bachelor of Arts from St. Olaf College and a Master of Arts from St. Catherine University. Contact me at Origins@OriginsOnline.org

 

Comments

[Ann Larson Ericson]

I agree, Barbara! I don't think you can ever go wrong using "please" when asking students to do something. It's all in the tone you use—direct and matter-of-fact sends the message that you know they'll comply and that "please" at the beginning or the end of your statement adds that bit of politeness and respect that honors our students.

Thanks,
Ann

[Barbara Forshag]

This was a big topic of conversation in several of the workshops this summer. We wrestled with the use of please. I've tried to make it my practice to put please at the end of the direct language. I want to be polite in my commands but not appear to be begging. Adding please at the end shows I'm trying to be polite, but I want to also be direct!